I love you. I love you platonically, unconditionally, and without reservations. My adoration for you knows no bounds. Alexandria, you are the best thing that’s happened to us since California politicians four times your age discovered Botox.
Back in 2018, you expressed strong opinions about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. From your confused babbling about the “occupation of Palestine” and “two-state solutions,” it was fairly clear that you had no idea who was doing what to whom over there. I knew right there and then that, even though you and I will never meet, our destinies were intertwined.
Alexandria, unlike the rest of us, you already live in your own personal socialist paradise. A true socialist, you live in a high-end luxury apartment in Washington, cruise around in monster gas-guzzling SUVs, and fly on airplanes the short distance to New York instead of taking the train (because trains and small cars are for the little people).
Remember the nearly $1 million that magically vanished from your campaign coffers and ended up with some shady fly-by-night P.O. Box outfit owned by (oddly enough) you and your campaign manager? If a Republican did it, people would call it thievery. But, really, why not use other people’s money to live the good socialist life?
If you didn’t exist, Republicans would have had to invent you; that’s how important you are. Your Green New Deal was a brilliant master stroke. Many people on the right and left thought the whole thing was a plant, concocted to discredit the very idea of global warming. It did all that, and more.